I Killed Her

-1-

“Ashoketta, I killed her!”

 -2-

The night is quite still, and I feel the first bite of the fresh morning breeze. I am the sole person cycling in this dark alley. The amber lights of my bicycle shine as a smudged Northern star guides me back to my house. Through the glass I painstakingly attached to modernise my father’s Atlas cycle, I see the sun resolutely below the horizon. My graceful and modest village is in monochrome: the broken roads still have the black look of eventide yet, the sky is more bluish than charcoal. I can hear distant roosters breaking the stillness of my stunning village.

1Edavam is a beauty with her coy smile and luscious, long raven hair. She walks into our village, caressing the brown and green paddy fields. Sometimes she wears the jewelled drop of dew that gleams in the misty mornings. She brings joy and harmony into our lives, just like my Paru.

When my whole world crumbled, my precious Paru toddled into my grey life and spilt happiness into it. And today her dream is coming true.           

“2Monai, why are you up so early?”—a wheezy voice breaks my reverie. It is our famous tea stall, 3Chetten. Chandraetten and his asthma are best friends since our city corporation decided to convert our small village into a waste dump. 

“I just went to the temple, Chetta. Today Paru is leaving for college.”

“Ah…! It is good! Finally, someone from our village is going to 4Kaalege. But I never trust those city people. But our 5Thevar will keep our Paru safe. Do you want me to pack some breakfast for you?”

“No, Chetta. 6Amma has prepared our breakfast." 

“Monai, come here, take this packet of 7Vettu-Cake. I know Paru loves it and she won’t get any there.”

“Aiyo! Chetta, there was no need. I have managed everything. I can’t keep …”

“You will miss the bus, Monai…” 

We are village people, and we love everybody. But will those city people love us? Will they accept my Paru? Will they treat her well? They are men and women of words. And they also have seen the world. So, they have to be more open-hearted, haven’t they?

Without Chandraetten, three stomachs would have gone empty after our 8Achan died. Shivan, our father, was Chandraetten’s best friend. They started the tea stall together and when he passed away, Childless Chandraetten and his wife took care of me and Parvathy. He taught us to dream. Achan wanted both of his children to go to college and have a government job. Though life plucked out my dream to study, I never allowed Paru to stop dreaming. In the morning, I helped Chandraetten’s tea stall; buying milk and newspaper, helping him to make tea or snacks, and book-keeping.

As the sun creeps into the world's apex, I climb up and down the quarry carrying rocks and hitting them until they turn into gravels. When the night tide floods our village, I walk back to the tea stall to help Chandraetten close and clean the shop. Amma and I have been working towards achieving our Achan’s dream—to educate us. And, finally, Paru gets to walk towards that dream.

“Thooo!”—A sound broke Achu’s inner monologue when he turned away from his home and then he saw it; a volley of red concoction marring the cracked floor near the water pump.

“Oh Dakshayaniamma.”—murmured Achu. Dakshayaniamma is famous for two things—her tobacco and her tattles. 

“9Kalikaalam. He does every work under the sun for his sister. Why are they teaching that girl? Girls should be married in their greenness. And now she is going to the city!” grumbled the grumpy old Dakshayaniamma, scratching her wild, salt and paper hair. Her other frail hand was casually draped around a grey steel pot battered with time and fights under the ancient village pump.

“Water, water….!” followed by the clinking and clacking of pots and bangles filled the morning air. A gushing sound of air protesting is ruined by the arrival of chlorine-smelling water, breaking Dakshayaniamma’s morning tongue-lashing session.

-3-

“Paru….”

In the mirror, I saw a reflection of a young village goddess. She was adorning her beautifully braided hair with the jasmine flowers. Her braid was falling forward on her oversized pastel-coloured 10 Salwar suit. A red 11bindi adorned her sun-kissed forehead. I saw a smile creeping on her hollow-cheeked face.

“What are you looking at, mister?”

“When did you grow up, Paru? I still remember you, a little darling, all swaddled up.”

“Enough, both of you! Achu, why did you have to spend so much money on this suitcase? We could have borrowed it from.”

“Amma, no! She is going to the city. She is starting a new chapter in her life. I want my sister to have everything new.

“If we keep arguing, we will miss the bus. We don’t want that, won’t we? So, bye, Amma! See you during the Onam holidays!”

“Good luck, my precious... Take care of your health. Have food on time and call me every day. And don’t talk to those city boys. You go to college. Study. And return to your hostel room. Okay?”

“Amma…I am not a baby. Stop worrying about me! You and Chetten take care of each other.”

“I will worry about you both as long as I am breathing! You will understand it when you become a mother.”

I walked out of the house carrying her bag. I cannot show her that my heart is crumbling under the weight of her departure. I saw Paru kissing Amma. Amma was trembling with grief. It feels strange to see Amma drowning in grief. She is always so calm and composed. The only time I saw her like this was at Achan’s funeral.

Paru was trying to hide her beautiful eyes away from me. She was crying and was trying to hide it from me. I saw her looking at the dead creepers lying on the fences. A strange fear lurked in my heart. Why did it have to die today? Why did the bird’s song feel like an adieu in some unknown language? Why do I feel that the ancient wind is whispering into my ears to stop her from going? That morning, the village looked like someone had submerged it in grey paint. The same way it was, the day when I lost Achan.

“Achuetta, will they ever finish this bus station?”

“Eh…! I don’t think so. The government never has time for us poor people. Our fate!”—replied Achu.

“Paru, will you be able to hold the bag? It’s heavy! Should I come with you?”

“Hey, I am not a baby anymore. I am a woman! I can take care of myself. Anyhow, 12Ammavan will be waiting for me there.”

“Paru, your bus is here and before I forget, a gift from Chandretten.”

“I can’t do this! Achuetta, I do not want to go. I can’t be away from you and Amma. I cannot leave our village, our home! I can’t! Let’s go back!”

“Hey, do not cry! You will be fine. You are my brave sister and a feminist; that’s what they do, isn’t it? Be strong and break stuff?”

“Don’t start! Achuetta, I will call you when I reach the city. And I didn’t want you to come because I did not want you to take leave. I know how hard you are working to feed us and to teach me. How will I ever repay you, Achuetta?”

“Paru, wipe your tears and smile! You are going towards our Achan’s dream.”

“Bye, Achuetta! I will call you as soon as I reach there.”

When I saw the bus moving away from the horizon, my legs gave way and I sat on the battered milestone. A teardrop freed itself from the prison and trickled down through my face. It felt as if someone had plucked out my heart.

-4-

There were no calls from her that day. I thought it was because she was busy. But then I got a call. I do not remember how I left the house, nor do I remember how I reached the morgue. But I remember! I remember, vividly, the cold air of the morgue biting into my skin. I remember the smell of death. I remember seeing the lifeless body of my Paru wrapped in white and lying alone on a steel bed.

“Why did she do this? Why did she end her life?” Oh, why??

-5- 

As I opened her hostel room, I prayed to God to find my Paru peacefully sleeping on the bed, snuggling with her pillows!

But alas! I only saw her journal on the bed. I slowly grazed my fingers over it and started to leaf through the journal. I saw our family photo and a beautiful peacock feather tucked safely in it.

-6- 

June 2019 Sunday, 5

It was heartbreaking to leave Achuetten and Amma! But I was happy to see Ammavan - felt like I was not alone in this strange city.

The room is bigger than our house in the village. I even got an attached bathroom. My roommate will come tomorrow. I am so excited about starting college!

So happy! So, so HAPPY! Dreams do come true. 

June 2019 Monday, 6

The campus is so beautiful!

The teachers are all good. Books are very expensive though. Thankfully, my scholarship covers it.

I met my roommate today. Maya! We are also classmates. She seems pretty friendly.

Ate Vettu-cake. Felt like I was eating it in the tea stall with Achuetten, sipping tea and gossiping.

Today, I saw many kids with their mothers and fathers.

I wish Achan was live! He would have been so proud of me!

June 2019 Friday, 10

Classes are going well. I went out with Maya and a couple of our other classmates to a pizza shop. When I said I was having pizza for the first time; they laughed at me. I was hurt by their reaction! But never mind! Amma’s 14Dosa is way better than this pizza.

Classes are going well. It is tough but I will manage.

June 2019 Wednesday, 15 

Maya vacated our room. And she is not even talking to me now! What did I do?

I feel so lonely today! I wish Amma was with me….

June 2019 Saturday, 25

Why are people treating me like this?

June 2019 Thursday, 30

I feel so lonely. I can’t stop crying!

July 2019 Friday, 15

Today Amma asked me why I sounded so sad. How will I tell her what I am going through every day? No, I can’t. I will manage it!

July 2019 Wednesday, 20

They did not let me sit among them in the canteen. Aren’t we supposed to be a Democratic country with no discrimination? My formal complaints were brushed off by the authorities.

I feel lost and lonely! I feel like my head will explode any minute!

August 2019 Monday, 1

My academic merits are shadowed by my birth. Are we not supposed to treat everybody equally?

My faculties do not pay any attention to me. My classmates call me “Reservation”!

August 2019 Friday, 12

“Monkey?” “Forest people?”

That is what they call me now!

I felt small and humiliated. I cried a lot today! I tried to close my ears! But I still can hear them laughing.

August 2019 Saturday, 20

I do not belong here. I should go back. Maybe I will accompany Amma to her clean jobs back in our village.

August 2019 Tuesday, 30

I will not be able to appear for my exam. They did not mark my assignments. It hurts to see all my hard work torn and discarded in the air!

“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”

Today, I know exactly how Gatsby felt!

These days I feel as if I am weighed down by an invisible thick blanket. I can’t walk! I can’t breathe! My senses are numb with an unknown pain. I only see impending doom before me. I feel lost and alone in this strange city. The voices in my head are not giving me respite.

I can’t keep living like this. I want to sleep forever!

September 2019 Friday, 3

This must have been how Achan felt on his last day on this earth.

He did not take his life. They killed him! The Society!

All his life he sincerely gave his blood and sweat for their land. And his dues were paid with accusations of stealing. It was his birth! I understand this painful truth today. I cannot tolerate this pain anymore.

Acha I miss you! I want to be with you! Acha take care of Achuetten and Amma!

Achuetta and Amma, I am sorry I going to see Achan!

I am sorry…!

Maybe in our next life, we will be in a better place… Until then….!

I am really sorry! Forgive me!                                                                                           

-7-

Why can’t we dream? They took Achan from us. Now Paru! Aren’t we all breathing the same air? Aren’t the sun and moon shine alike for us? Is the judgement day only for people like us? Are we supposed to only be working in the field and one day be buried by death or our owners?

Is that all?

“Achu, my son!”

“Chandraetta…”

“Monai…”

“I killed her! I am responsible for this! I taught her to dream. And her dream took her away from me. I thought we could dream. Oh god! I killed her. I murdered my sister with dreams. I am a killer!”

--------------------------The End! ---------------------------

Glossary

1. Edavam: A month in Malayalam Calendar

2. Monai: Son

3. Chetten: Elder Brother in Malayalam 

4. Kaalege: Colloquial way of saying College

5. Thevar: Village God

6. Amma: Mother

7. Vettu-Cake: A Tea-Time Kerala Snack

8. Achan: Father

9. Kalikaalam: Age of God Kali

10. Salwar Suit: A South Asian dress

11. Bindi: red dot South Asian women wear on their forehead

12. Ammavan: Mother's brother in Malayalam